Love letters and suitcases and friendship and choices.
"...that's what it's all about!"
'd like to provide you with a relevant analogy for my current position.
The feeling you get when your alarm goes off early on a weekday morning, when you cannot afford to hit "snooze" because you (really) need a shower. You know that once you're in the shower, it'll feel awesome and you won't want to leave...but leaving your bed can be difficult - furthermore, you're not looking forward to standing in the bathroom with your feet on a cold tile floor, waiting impatiently for the temperature of the water to adjust.
Finally, you get in the shower, and it's fantastic, and you begin to paradoxically loathe the thought of getting out again.
That's kinda like me, at the moment. As I prepare to leave here indefinitely and say goodbye to my second house in a year, I'm reaching a certain peace about the prospect of returning at some point (needless to say the permanent withdrawal plan and forfeit of my scholarships has been abandoned). I need to come home. I need to stay home until I'm truly ready to return. But return I will, and the thought brings me a degree of happiness. I've realized I'm fonder of some people here than I thought, and some places, and even the city itself (it remains, to me, more beautiful than Paris).
And...this weekend I received a Facebook event invitation...to a club nearby...for *First Fetish Friday* - and yeah, it's actually a fetish/industrial/BDSM night in SAVANNAH.
Perhaps I can make a home here after all. :)
I am completely finished with all but two hours or so worth of my schoolwork. I begin packing tomorrow morning, starting with the dorm room. Spend the rest of Sunday cleaning the dorm room top to bottom.
And then, a very good friend is flying in Monday afternoon. The photographer whom I modeled for is meeting with the two of us that night, and we're going to plan not one, but several photo shoots to cram into my last week here (So, be prepared for some more pictures with the both of us bringing out the best in each other - and this time, it won't be traditional, and there may be some on-location stuff - should be really crazy stuff. "Wacked-out" as he put it. Haha) Here's where things get really good, all save one huge dark spot:
We pack up the house and the beasts. Drive up to the cabin indefinitely.
But not before I say goodbye, also indefinitely, to Alex. The longest relationship I've ever been in and going pretty damn strong (9 months 3 days ago).
Yeah. I won't deny I'm a little apprehensive about saying that goodbye/the couple of days leading up to that with company here - although when I really think about it and quit worrying I realize it'll be fine, and we'll visit over the summer no matter what (if he won't come see me, I'll find a way to go there again). After that, who knows, but I sure as Hell am not going to wrack my brain trying to make logical sense or drawing conclusions about the future.
After N.H. I get to move in - to another basement bedroom, once again adjacent to what will be my studio - paint my walls my color, burn candles shamelessly (haha) etceteraneous - in a house I already love just from the pictures. Get a job. Live life simply for a couple of months, requit smoking (today's day 4 w/o), not be ridiculously stressed out.
I think I might skip fall semester for the sole purpose of selfishly snatching a genuine New England autumn again! Hahaha.
Long story short: I've been doing great, I'm excited, things are about to get crazy in the best possible way, and I forsee that I cannot forsee any significant truths about the next year of my life. I'm content.
What are your priorities?
What is it that you want?
(("Edit your life. Keep only that which is:
Delete the rest."))
With whom would you like most to share it?
Where is your heart? For there, too, is your home.
Have you the courage to seek these things ((to request and acquire that which is rightfully yours)) regardless of:
How far they may lie off the beaten path?
What is expected of you?
The risks involved?
The doubts and reservations of others - some who do not matter, but also others whom you respect?
We are not children anymore.
At times it may prove worthwhile to walk a mile in another's shoes.
But for once, for now - try walking a mile in your own.
I miss having friends that I can call
who genuinely enjoy watching disney movies with me.
who, when asked if they're up for something crazy and spontaneous, not only always say yes, but have ideas of their own to contribute.
who have had their brief forays into the world of intoxicating substances, and are already quickly outgrowing it.
who are constantly growing and changing.
who would love to join me for a real picnic in the park.
who understand the importance of enthusiasm, and having 'all the trimmings,' and making everything only as important as it ought to be.
who would glamourbomb with me.
who don't care what the boring people think.
who really care that i haven't smoked in 11 days.
who believe that any interesting adventure is fully worth getting out of bed at any hour of day or night.
who know when it's time to get work done.
who know all of my history and vice versa, so that we can spend our time together discussing more fascinating, dynamic subjects.
who care enough to read my work from my poetry class, which i have no one to share with, and who would appreciate the virtues of a good english teacher.
who are fresh, refreshing, supportive, upbeat, down to earth, encouraging, accepting, thoughtful, inquisitive, playful, and understand that there is great wisdom in innocence.
rice paper in shades of rich clay earth and dappled like the fragile structure of the fawn.
(it's 73 degrees)
today i discovered an absolutely amazing new song.
all of you will be receiving a copy in the mail. when you receive it, you must put it on full blast and bounce/dance, and think of me and smile.
brb, alex just rolled my fuzzy pink striped knee socks all the way up and my jeans too and he demands that i stand so he may admire his own handiwork.
so i'm serious, i'm mailing them, and you shall all receive only one more nugget of knowledge:
it made me so anxious to buy a flower that i began scrounging up the change in my room at 9:00 at night...even though we've already used up all the quarters for food and drinks and cigarettes.
gotta go drive to krystal burger even though i hate burgers, and krystals. i do it only cause i love him. and because we just finished watching the pirated copy of Balto that he found me.
approx. 30 days.
Well, it took longer than I expected to begin, but at last I have developed a fond, intimate and (p.s.) exclusive love affair with the Narnia score. Heh. Alex is appropriately tearing out his hair.
Fortunately it's fairly thick and getting rather long.
And I can vaguely make out the form of a reunited foursome on the horizon of the recent future.
Wow I almost half-forgot about this, haha. I've been pretty busy. And when I haven't been productively so, I've been busy being lazy. But I'm bored and everyone is at class, from which I just returned.
* Marianne, mad props on getting a new journal, and might I add that I simply adore your quasi-asianesque, fluffy in a gravity-resistant balloon animal way visual customizations.
. (Oh yeah, and I miss you like crazy also. Truly. There are no less than twelve pictures of
. you in my dorm room, and all of them combined aren't as good as the 3-D you.)
* Sarah, stop stealing my grapevine costume and galavanting around. You never wash it when you're through!
* I'm halfway done solidifying a modeling thing with a photography major here. I'm very excited, as it's something I've always wanted to do and only now am suitably pleasing to the eye.
* My knees...fuckin' hurt.
* In fact it's hard to really focus on anything else.
* But I'll try.
* I have Christmas gifts for all. Marianne's is complete, Sarah's is 3/4 done, and Becca's is about half done. Oh and Kelly Ann's is 66% done. Be patient, everyone.
* My dorm room is getting sooo sweet. Someone, anyone come visit so you can bask in in and in me.
* I love poetry class with all of the portion of my heart dedicated to academics
* The van broke down sorta (needed new breaks) but I was informed yesterday that it is now FIXED. And in honor of this glorious fact, I have finally christened her. She shall henceforth be referred to as "Natasha," for the meaning of that name is "REBIRTH AND RESURRECTION."
I have soooooooooooooo much shit to dooooooooooooo...................... So i Think i'll Go For Now.
If you're ever feelin' low, sing the Rubber Duckie song. If that fails, give me a ring. Give me a ring no matter how you feel. Even if you feel wasted or nauseaus or malicious or hungry or just plain bored.
I love you all and I miss home to death. RI (mainly Wickford) is like all I write about in poetry class. Hahah.
So, anyone reading this who has NOT yet seen Narnia, do so, if you know what is good for your soul.
I move back in to the dorms Tuesday which means I don't have to get anything constructive whatsoever done today, but for working on gifts ... and finishing this entry, which will have to take a raincheck because Alex just demanded use of the computer to watch Batman.
::sigh:: Not again...